The Silence is So Loud

For as long as I can remember, I've dealt with depression on some level. If I'm being honest, it's kind of my baseline. I'm not into astrology, but I am a typical Cancer: a ball of emotions.

Part of it may come from people pleasing. Part of it came from the patriarchy and family dynamics. Wherever it came from, I learned to mask early. In some ways, it felt like the only option. I was totally unequipped to process any emotion that wasn't anger or happiness, so you learn to stuff the rest down.

Beyond stuffing emotions, I didn't realize how different my experience was from so many other people's. How sensitive my nervous system is. How deeply I feel things. How much I live in my head. How deeply both of my parents felt things, too. How much they, just like me, struggled to emote. Struggled to articulate. Struggled to get out of their heads.

Hereditary depression. I guess there's beauty in a shared experience.