Who's in control?

Like Pieces of Me, this work speaks to another dimension of being fragmented. As a shame-based person, I've historically compartmentalized my own behavior in ways that often left me feeling like I wasn't in control of my own actions.

There were so many instances of self-sabotage, of operating without intention or being led by my subconscious, that it was hard to tell what was happening. Not being able to be honest and transparent with myself, or with the people around me, made me feel like I was going crazy.

I kept finding myself in situations I told myself I didn't want to be in. Sobering up, mildly confused about how I ended up at a place I hate. Talking to women I had no business talking to. Wondering how I gained the weight back. Then there were the larger situations, built from a lot of individual decisions that lacked intention. They build up, and they lead to catastrophe.

I couldn't, and wouldn't, look at each decision as connected, because that would force me to be accountable for the outcomes. So I ceded control of my conscious intentions to my subconscious desires. That mindset kept me a perpetual victim in my own story. I was someone life happened to, because I thought I had no agency over my own life.